Why High-Achieving Women Burn Out When Their Identity is Tied to The Role They Carry

I once heard someone say they didn’t know who they were outside of being a parent. They didn’t say it with a lot of emotion. It was actually kind of matter-of- fact. And for reasons I couldn’t explain at the time, what they were saying really stuck with me. It wasn’t because it was wrong or because being a parent wasn’t important. It was because anything that carries your entire sense of self also carries a lot of risk; joy included. 

This is a space for high-achieving women who feel overwhelmed, stretched, thin or burned out, and want to live a more joy-filled life without abandoning themselves or what they’ve already built. So I want to talk about what happens when you tie your identity too closely to your life, roles and achievements instead of something that can actually hold you. 

Let’s stick with the example of being a parent. Although being a parent is a big job, a very important role, one you’re going to have forever, it does not define you. Actually no role,  no matter how important it is, defines you. Because if something happens to reshape or remove it, you will also reshape, maybe even end with it.  It’s hard to keep joy when it depends on something external.

I know this concept may be difficult to accept and your first instinct may be to reject my statements here.  You may be thinking–she doesn’t know what she’s talking about or she doesn’t have kids so she can’t tell me.

I recognize that parenting is a touchy subject, but It feels necessary to talk about something sensitive and high-stakes to make my point clear. I’m not telling you to de-prioritize your parent/child relationship, your connection with your partner, your dedication to your position at work, or anywhere else you feel a deep tie to your identity. But I am telling you to prioritize yourself and spend time finding out what you like, what you enjoy doing, and what you cherish BEING outside of every external identity connection you already have.  Once you find out what those things are, prioritize them too.

It may not seem like it’s all that important now or maybe it does. Otherwise you wouldn’t have read this far into the post.  I want you to remember that nothing is forever. Everything is impermanent because things change around us all the time. You are your only true anchor. You must make sure you’re solid from the inside out and not brittle from tying your sense of self too tightly to external things. When your joy depends entirely on things outside of you, it becomes fragile. It becomes the kind of feeling where everything looks good on paper, but inside you are disconnected, overwhelmed, and maybe even empty. 

Be the woman who remembers she is a whole person first, not just what she produces, who she parents, manages, or holds together. When you root your identity in who you ARE, not what you DO, joy becomes sustainable. That’s one of the strategies to keeping your joy.